preparedness
2006-08-22 2:39 a.m.
all want replaced by hope, force absence to the point, press shoulders into bars and windows. i meet the ground, and there is safety in falling, some catch there, the earth. the planet and i share this relationship, that i will balance (precarious little thing) upon it, and it will carry me, will knock my breath out if i try to flee too far, if i forget to respect the surface.there is a mystery in the heights and depths, both
serve a purpose, are not
places that lend to being discovered. i choose
heights tonight, swing easy, climb
uninterrupted, am not spotted, or if seen, no threat, no notable difference from the rest of my environment.
i am coarse. i am rough. i am not begging the connection to come, size me up. i want
too much, try hope, try tiumph over desire, fall short, forget the grace of my actions. relieve myself the pressure of living - this is the reason
for contemplation, there is peril in the company of others. without confidence, i miss my cues, move too quick, am not able to detect, i do not know my sources, cannot read their motives. will i always suffer so fitfully my own devices? i will cast them
lures, leaves
away from me, will attain distance, will be free for a moment, reconnecting
the air and the skin, the time for breathing
draws on me, dawns
and i do not know preparedness,
i do not know
if i am ready.
.
still, there is
flow, order, the inescapable, or no order
and its conception. i find myself
dependent on my surroundings, other points, free floating
trying not to be a burden, challenged again, the cross that i have built to intersect me
intercedes, makes provision on my loneliness, dries my bones up in their calling, does not leave, begs me for its own life, requires to be carried.
.
i am crossed and sure afraid, sure willing, both paths
know me feet upon them. i flinch, my own weight, and easy to remove, to be clean of these advances, to wash my hands and lose all of my strong convictions. but i am not
avoidance. i am not comforted by quitting. i
hold strong, hope for the time of hoping, pray my knees to movement, cling, brush up against, cling to what i've managed.