turmoil.

2006-06-03 3:24 p.m.

just three weeks shy of a year, and i am sitting
across from that man who manages to sustain me
to stay with me
saying

if he hadn't called me, if he hadn't
this would mark a year, nearly a year
without him

last week, i put his counterpart in the hospital. they have the same mannerisms, the same
amount of anger
the same idolization and hatred of their fathers

and i thought long and hard about the cross that i have picked up
about the telephone in my pocket
about the way my family
pretends
that nothing ever happened.

but, fuck, you guys, it did
it did and it
is still happening to me, still happening when
the silence creeps in and for weeks
i worry about unanswered messages.

it is still happening to me in how
a hello can relax my shoulders, in how
his smile doesn't quake
in how he is now married, is a family man, is
supposedly stable.

it is still happening to me in the way that i can doubt
can misdirect
his stability.

the summer is sinister in how it begins, how it uncoils and reminds me, in my own struggles
put to rest a year ago,
in wondering
what if this resurfaces
what if we misstep
and everything goes on repeated.

there is no joy in the work
no peace in the prosperity
no comfort in the words
no safety in the mentioning

and turmoil, turmoil
turmoil overtakes me.

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