small and begging.
2006-08-28 5:03 p.m.
being born in the year of language, it is difficult for me to hold my silence. my secrets slip, set foot to find their borders, seek out where they began. i begin. i step closer to the water, take length there, no miracle to move me. the delightthat i have found in being
wanes, and i
reflect, still indolent and new thing, old thing, a month in my coming, yet i am unready. pack two months upon me.
i break, and the soil here is sighing, is crying out for water. i drink, try to take the earth inside me, eat clay and call myself a planet, assume
gravity-
i am so weak.
.
the rain came, my body
sat dirty, waiting, still was not ready - i allowed
pride to enter, to know the name of my doorway, (and to think
that i could have been a good one!), i flood up with shame, the earth reborn around me.
.
my soil insides are dried up, dust and red, blood and guts, hollow bones and white hot longing - how can i learn to want for nothing?
.
i have been misled, have given
no thing, all things i had
replant, go back to dying. my welcoming of death
is just avoidance, is giving in
to remaining a person.
.
i do not feel growth. i do not feel
anything but reigned in, feel
like throwing the old ghost
straight of my stomach and i cry out,
"come, symbolism, i am wretched!"
i am impoverished, new land
that i do not put my faith in, though i was born
speaking from your mountains, i found the valley, and the heat that you had not supplied me seemed so freeing, gave me reason
to call you cursed.
.
i am small. i know
little, know uncertainty, know confusion.
so, come back home, come back
old sanctuary,
break my legs,
take me apart
and carry me.
.
we will be one, universe
and small thing, brought together by both being, will sing, hit pitch
at the right instant, assimilate, so
take me out of situations, take me back to being heartless.
.
my heart still beats, still slips upon its passage, still
marries me to human body. human sleep
find me in the darkness, does not knock, enters me although i am being restless. little thing, little breath that circulates me, little passage through the arteries, fill up, please undo
the damage i have done, for i was
faulty even amidst this perfection.
little thing, little light that i once was, flickering.