sketch.
2006-03-27 2:33 p.m.
i'm a carrier, and that's my problem, a transmitter, a receiver, a complication and purveyor, all these things that i have made mine are reflections, are substitues in standing for the things i think i'm losing.the friends i've held that hold to me in waking, in funerals and dressing, in reminders that have sketched themselves into my body, are now distant and distinct in their own patterns of living, are now careful when we meet, cautious of certain subjects - what will this mean
when we have finished?
relate, conspiracy theories on the order of thinking, on association, phone calls missed for ages, never replied because i didn't think i could take it, didn't want to confront the person i had been, to believe
again in heaven's blessing, i have given up the holy ghost in apologies to the ocean, in letters overseas and not returning, to seattle and to austin, to san fransisco asking questions i can't answer, these places
that will beg to haunt me, that act as cover stories for what was really happening, that are reminders of the faults i've placed in trying wisdom, in trying these disguises, looking for a place i'm fitting.
appropriately, there is the city and its surroundings, its short life comparable and considering, my legs and works and worries stretched long in mapping outlines, in drawing out old faces into smiles, into best friends criticizing my common sense, and i am better, i am all the better
for it.