locking up.
2006-08-15 4:20 p.m.
i am trying to unpack, to pack these words upon my body, so that when i am found, i can communicate in gestures, can point and say - this was how it happened, and i will not have to be such a fool, so carried away by what i have built.i do not feel the failure, but i anticipate its coming.
if honest, then how honest will i be, will i shed light, shed seasons, give years away in speaking? i have been opened, and i must mend, must pull back to the distance.
i do not reveal instantly, i wait, i watch, i tally to see what is coming. i am not light-hearted, i am fearful and uncertain. i am slow to make decisions, but now
decided, torn open, split
by what must be a small thing, i am berated by hearsay, and i say too much myself, overflow with graces toward you, meet resentment (maybe). meet shame (maybe). i do not meet myself, stray from what i wish, cling to the order of the room around me, climb trees and scrape my skin against them, my shoulders sore reminders of where your hands have been.