communicable
2005-08-23 4:32 p.m.
words don't fit me anymore. speechless and constantly going. morals. structure takes a vacation for a while, making sure to pack up my heart for the journey. the way hotels with vacancy signs feel, people backing them with expectations, resigned to being empty. the way that old age changes faces, changes cities, growth on top of growth and always feeling like the first time eyes have ever been opened. novelty in the familiar, the way that people look under their first layer of skin. we all have secrets, whether we wanted or didn't want them, with which we cannot even be familiar - appearances and social customs, the highways in our bodies. you might understand, but you'll never know it. personal. yourself on that level, anatomical, uncontrollable, thought processes, the jump of reaction between nerves. the pauses. the gasps. the way your eye twitches when you're thinking, the focus that makes you move in a similar fashion. the way you mouth the words to conversations you're remembering. the way you laugh and repeat under your breath jokes you thought were funny, your own wit waiting, going seen in microscopic detail by a world of spectators, and you pretentious enough to think they're watching.
ideas stored up in notebooks, hand me down, so proud to think there's still something worth saying. going unsaid. to describe yourself in relation to the past is skewed, the reality of you gives way to hindsight, those things that were abuse seemed so right at the time. playing house, kissing your best friend on her fold out couch, screaming at the bed posts, punching the pillows. what does innocence get you?
but regret at having ever been innocent?
i'm a liar. i can't stop when i get started, the words that don't fit me, each one has changed into a cell in my body. the verbs and nouns are rustling against one another, waiting to be noticed, used, beating themselves out, conjunctions in my skin, living organisms to make me what i am. what is freedom when we are sentenced not only to language, but to idealism, to the meaning behind meanings, to an interpretation based solely on perception?
pointless.