dissonance.
2006-06-25 12:04 p.m.
what a long history there is winding inside me. i don't know if these years and weeks are long enough to pull it out. some birthdays, some anniversaries, some actions during and between them that stick, scourge my days and leave me unsure of the direction i am taking. self-focused.i spent five minutes quiet yeserday, the rest of the time i'm in the midst of breaking points. only points with no breaks between them. i am happy and public and ridiculous. i start to tell stories, after long silences, but they fit strangely to me, stories
about people that only one person knows now, the old me bound to what i can hope is the old him. i do not want to be so angry, but is it revenge to tell the truth when he was such a liar, when my false affairs were broadcasted, were believed, and my friendships were forgotten? i want to know
how long i will relive these things with angst and worry, how long i will hold onto their names, their images, how many times i will be willing to try reconnecting before i become willing to call this failure.
his name is kenny, he was 19 when we were married. he is 25 now, if he still is. i am lucky not to hear from him.
i am struggling, pulling back and forth, gasping because i do not know how to breathe in this environment, do not know how to relate to anyone by these premises. i want to believe that i am good by my old standards, that i am endlessly forgiving, that he could show up and i wouldn't curse him, wouldn't wear my fearfulness any longer. i am so afraid, lately, just thinking on him, that i shirk the friendly situations, choosing strangers instead of anyone that might notice.
i am struggling also on psychology, how it stunts growth, leaves no room for miracles or differences, how it has no faith in expansion given certain situations, how women and men with the same symptoms are given different diagnosis. i'll tell you the truth.
either we're all shell-shocked, or we sure as hell soon will be.